Day 31: Fear of Eating

How does one re-enter the true eating world once they are off their diet plan? I have to tell you it's pretty hard! This is my first week on my own...eating like a normal person again and not what's on my Chemical Diet Plan. It's frightening to say the least and trying to choose the best possible choices is hard, but it really makes you think about the choices you are about to put in your mouth.

You all know by now that I have lost 26.2 pounds on the Chemical Diet. Valentine's Day was the first day eating normally again, after weeks of restrictions. I took my son to a favorite local restaurant for dinner, El Paseo Restaurant, and I ordered off the menu for the first time in weeks. I didn't eat any chips or tortillas and I ordered the Bistec con Champinones, A USDA prime rib eye steak grilled with baby mushrooms, grilled vegetables, and served with Pasilla chile potato puree. It was yummy, though I could have done without the mushroom sauce and the puree, which I only took a few small bites. I washed it down with a Pepino (cucumber) Margarita that I have been craving for weeks. It was definitely satisfying, but after the meal, I felt guilty like I was cheating. I don't want to feel guilty about eating...but for some reason I did.

I guess it's normal to feel this way, especially after dedicating myself to losing weight. What I fear the most at this point is gaining the weight back, which I don't want to do! On Wednesday evening, I went to an industry party and I ate everything that came out of the kitchen. Mind you they were hors d'oeuvres portions and I ate in moderation, but again I felt guilty for eating something friend and taking in some...okay all...of the dessert offerings. Plus, I had three tangerine martinis. I may have only eaten 10-12 pieces of bite size offerings but I was conscious enough to know that maybe I should have not eaten some of the things that came out. With food guilt thoughts lingering, I went home and worked out again in fear of gaining weight.

I don't want to live my life in fear of eating, nor do I want to develop a disorder and manic craziness for losing weight. I just want to be able to make right choices, eat in moderation, and work out to live a more comfortable and healthy life. Is feeling guilty about what I am eating crazy? On the other hand, is this new alertness helping me be conscious about what I am putting in my body? Regardless of the fact...I think eating after dieting makes people have buyers remorse - but with food...let's call it eating remorse. It's the GUILT. GUILT! GUILT!! GUILT!!! Maybe I should think of it as positive mental state of awareness rather than something I should be ashamed of.

I don't know what is in store for me in this next phase, of going at it on my own. I am still doing the breakfast plan from my diet and I am still packing my own lunch with healthy choices so I guess I am doing some things right to make sure I continue on the right path. I continue to work out everyday, which also helps me in my continued journey. Even though I have had evenings of indulgence this week, most of the other evenings have been pretty much what I have eaten the last four weeks, which is not a bad thing. It's like my new comfort food I guess. I am truly happy with what I have accomplished and just want to continue on the right path. I thank all my family and friends for their continued support.

Thank you again for listening to my ramblings. Let me know how I can support you on your journey from Flab to Fab!

-Percy